Tag Archives: Robert

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“The Study’s” latest “class” …

… was recently spooked out of Somerville! The cult formerly known as “School”, currently  called “The Study”, had a conveniently-located classroom in Union Square’s, The Green Room on Bow Street. But an “incident”, or “event” (pay attention to when Robert employs the nondescript word event), now has “The Study’s youngest class” on the go.

Thursday night’s class, for example, met at the Holiday Inn, in Brookline, 1200 Beacon St (the corner of Beacon and St Paul St.)

Over the years, “The Study” has often been forced to pull up roots and pull out its pat explanations about sudden venue changes. Like … “We’re going to experiment and meet at various locations. Secret esoteric schools of yore would often only reveal class-locations at the last minute. A student with ‘sufficient valuation’ would be on the ready, waiting for the phone call (this was, after all, pre-answering machines, let alone smartphones!) Those who missed this call, would lose out. In order to rate, one must ‘do whatever it takes!’ to seek out the class location. This is part in parcel with tradition, not odd at all.”

Like so many stories from “the study” this is true in part. The unmentioned Gurdjieff had an also-not-mentioned student: PD Ouspensky. He describes mysterious last-minute phone calls and scrambles, in search of the latest classroom, in his unmentioned book (cough) In Search of the Miraculous.
I’m fairly certain “the study”, formerly known as “school”, omitted Ouspensky and his book last Thursday night when explaining the latest move. During my tenure, “School” handed us a black-bound copy of something it simply called “The Black Book” and referred to its secret author as “a great teacher, who once [FILL IN BLANK]”, usually some teacher would take on a lofty tone and precede such a  pronouncement with the phrase, “It has been said …”.  After departing I discovered that “The Black Book” was a redacted and Xeroxed copy of In Search of the Miraculous. Needless to say, I was furious.

I have a feeling “the study” also neglected to mention the number of sudden migrations it has been forced to make over the years. It will tell “students” the move is “… for your own safety.” As opposed to a “random psychotic person, akin to Charles Manson” who “hangs out in Union Square” freaking out “students,” these migrations are usually triggered by “evil and disgruntled ex-group members”,  trying to warn current attendees that the “5-week experiment” is – in truth – a greedy and predatory cult; flyers suddenly appearing on cars and such, or sudden announcements by a fellow essence friend like — “I’m leaving; you should consider leaving, too” spur the cult into its next venue.

Over the course of my 5-year tenure, “school” migrated from the Belmont Lion’s Club, to various ugly hotel conference rooms, to The Griffin Photography Museum in Winchester and finally out to Boston’s satellite HQ in Billerica’s Faulkner Mills Building. In the seventies, San Francisco ran “the study” — then known as “The Theater of all Possibilities” — out of town, forcing it to migrate East. Click here to read newspaper articles about the “theater”.

But for now, folks …

The current “youngest class” meets every Monday and Thursday, 6:30-9 p.m. Nine “students” gather — a few of whom rotate through, without sharing “self observations” or doing the “assignments” — possibly because “The Study” floats them in so “classes” appear larger than they are.

The following “teachers” take charge: Michael still says, “Time for Tai Chi” and Paul still leads the indoctrinating flailing about known as “Body Work”. Lisa has been promoted to “teacher” status. She rotates her instruction with Josh, Michael and Robert.

5-Week AIMS morphed into 5-Week “commitments”.

“Sustainers” morphed into “the person I work with!”

The following “secret” (cough) ideas have been “taught”: multiplicity; mechanicality; the 7 centers, or “brains”; and the “many Is” living on the abandoned, chaotic grand estate with an absent Master; identification vs. non-identification/ I believe this idea might also be known as “familiarity”; expanding/contracting events (cough); self-love (horrors) vs. emotional love; self-remembering, memory, false memories …

… it sounds like “teachers” are starting down the path towards “valuation” via memory — “the study” connects your ability for memory directly to your capacity for love. Those whose memories are detailed and sharp, have a greater capacity for love than those who struggle to remember things, especially “secret esoteric ideas”, accordingly. By the way, this “lesson” is a very effective indoctrination and control tool; “school” can always attack your character via your “lack of memory”.

(for more on these “secret ideas” and this “oral teaching”, visit this link: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=gurdjieff+books )

In case you’re confused about whether this group is the one you’re dealing with, see if you recognize recruitment tactics: recruiters typically strike up a conversation, often claiming to be working on a project, like writing a book, and wanting to talk to YOU! They’ll end a seemingly random encounter with “It’s been great talking to you. We should get together sometime.” You exchange numbers; they “pursue a new friendship” — if you get together with them, you’ll notice the original project won’t resurface. They will, instead, invite you to join some kind of special group — “Would you’d like to join a book club?”.

Please see cult recruitment for more details.

The Privacy (cough) Secrecy “Rules” remain the same:

  • No Internet-research about the group, class or assignments  “… there’s a lot of bad information out there, we don’t want it to poison what you learn.”
    (Congratulations for breaking this rule)
  • No discussion about the group or its teachings to people outside of the group, even your closest friends, even your spouse  “… for your safety, because other people won’t understand and might have problems with it.”
  • Non-Fraternization 1: don’t form personal relationships or divulge personal information with other “students”, at least for the first 5 weeks “… it’s very important to keep separate, for your safety! This is private, just for you!“
  • Non-Fraternization 2: don’t acknowledge fellow “students” outside the classroom, float past, as though strangers “… again, for your own safety. Private, just for you!“
  • Observe an hour of silence immediately after class “… it’s important to seal yourself off and process your new knowledge!”
  • Self Sensing … a morning ritual of “self-remembering” to be practiced upon waking, before you get up: scan your body from head to toe; sense the bed beneath, the room, the house, the street, neighborhood, town, state, country, continent, world, planet … etc. etc. etc.
  • Commit to attending all 9 classes and be. on. time.

Please know that these rules only protect you from accessing certain information, ” … before you are ready”, a.k.a. sufficiently indoctrinated. That’s why the study waits 5-8 weeks before hitting you up for the $350/month (at least) “tuition”. It will never tell you that your “5-week experiment” is meant to be a lifetime tenure.

“Break “The Rules”!

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Seeing Into The Heart of Things: The Christmas Class from Hell

Billerica "classroom"
Somewhere, on some post, in this blog, there’s a conversation regarding what is affectionately known as The Christmas Class from Hell (perhaps it’s in the comment section of, The Christmas Party. I haven’t found the exchange yet.) However, as we head into fall, “School”, a.k.a “The Study”, gets closer and closer to it’s annual holiday usurpation — although it is possible that current morphing (such as changing the group’s name from “School” to “The Study) has the group skulking away from it’s annual tradition (cough).

However, at a some point the illustrious institution established an annual holiday bash. “School/The Study” pitched its party to us as “a gift to your teachers and sustainers”. The “youngest class” would be guided into greatness by members of the “older class” (those who “had been doing THE WORK longer”). The “older class” would do a boat load of prep — food prep for example — and cart it all off to NY to present to Queen Sharon (I think — those of you who experienced the older class Christmas party, please correct me if I’m wrong).

As far as I know, the Christmas Party was mostly a love-fest of self congratulation, however, one year this was not the case. Recently, the blog Seeing Into the Heart of Things, provided an inside look into the disaster known as The Christmas Class from Hell. Here is an excerpt:

The night of the party came and it was all a blur to me. It was the usual. Usually Sharon was outrageously late and a dinner that had been planned for 10 pm might not happen until 2 am. Everything was always at the whim of Sharon: when she arrived, what she did, what she ate and drank, who she brought with her from New York, what time she left, what she said (she frequently addressed the whole group)…

I remember that during the presentations, one of the younger students came over to me and said that she thought she had seen Sharon across the room complaining or unhappy about something. I told her that everything was going great and not to worry.

So, the class came and went and then we had the “impressions class” several days later…

… read the whole story here: http://seeingintotheheartofthings.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-christmas-class-from-hell.html
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Dear “School”… oops, “The Study” … Monitor

Hi “The Study” Monitor:

I hope that you are enjoying your assigned reading. Now you’ve been identified, I decided to say hello. We always got along well, so it’s too bad I’m now persona non grata, aka “disgruntled ex-student“, isn’t it? But all “school” defectors are, aren’t they? There’s no legitimate or forgivable way to depart “the invisible world” … and then to publish a blog … heresy, sedition, yes?

I hear that “School” now calls itself “The Study”. Why the name change? Does the online exposure interfere with recruitment? Is it bad for business? Does the vocabulary, this superficial spin, outweigh the nagging cognitive dissonance? Do you ever feel conflicted about “school”, oops, I mean: “the study”?

How do you feel about clever insincerity? Do you ever question “demands”? I remember the constant internal tug of war between “the study’s” requirements — growing deceit — and its presentation — “school of truth and higher consciousness”. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? I don’t miss it.

You were always kind to me. I am guessing that you are a well-intended soul caught in a web of delusion. Yep, “the study” sucked us all into that web. I wonder what you think and experience inside, as you read this blog? Do you ever wish you were doing anything else besides reading this? What would you do instead? Do you ever blow off the demands? Or want to? Do you ever spontaneously go to the beach without consulting Bob, and then just say you read the evil blog?

Perhaps you’ll never see this missive. After I left, I learned that many “students” lie about their recruitment efforts, a.k.a third line of work. God knows, we all hated it.

What are you looking for here? Is your lawyer on retainer, waiting to file?

Recently, I remembered a conversation we had when you were co-leading the “work & money group”. I was failing at another “school”-sponsored job search; “The Study’s” employment policy (as long as you are working, any job will do; women –of course– should clean houses) wasn’t bearing fruit. One day, when soliciting my housecleaning services (ha!) door-to-door in Lynnfield, a police cruiser pulled up to inform me that I needed a permit.

Discouraged, I called you — well, what I mean is I called the voice mail you kept for such purposes; you called me back on my phone. (cultic social engineering 101: the “more enlightened” must control ALL engagement! ) No matter, though, you called me back soon after. I told you about my police encounter and you said, “That’s ridiculous!”

Of course it was ridiculous; more ridiculous, though, was that I let a cult micromanage me into a constant, desperate, relentless and needlessly urgent search for any job! With “school’s” “help”, I tripped and bumbled into a pit of depression and a slew of low-paying menial work. The vicious circle of “school”-sponsored failure gnawed away from the inside out – the worse I felt inside, the worse I performed outside and the more menial and low-paying the jobs became.

Now I know that cults operate this way; this story was predictable — I asked for “help” and “failed”. I “wasn’t trying hard enough”. Many students echo this loaded language down the hallowed halls. Have you noticed? Eventually Carol pronounced: “Maybe you’ll never be able to hold down a job” and soon after established my “chief weakness” and cult identity to the “class”: entitled & unemployable Princess (read Jewish-American).

After leaving and deciding the “as long as you are working, any job will do” policy was crap; I found a job, I did it well, and then a second job and then a third job, etc. etc. etc — no more work/money problems. Are you happy for me, or does it disappoint you? “School’s”, oops, “The Study’s” “help” didn’t — in fact, it hurt. As my Grandma used to say: with (essence) friends like that, who needs enemies? (Don’t worry, she didn’t actually use the secret phrase, essence friends.)

Does “The Study” damage you? I think it damages everyone. One person benefits from “School”. Everyone else pays — they owe, they owe, so off to “school”, oops, “the study”, they go. The one-size-fits-all “help” flattens “students” into cult cogs; each will play particular roles. Those whom “school” deigns losers are damaged more quickly; but we leave and therefore have a chance to reclaim our lives.

So I’m grateful that “school” shoved me into the “losers” category. I left. As opposed to “dying in the street like a dog” — ala the mysteriously-never-mentioned-within-the-hallowed-halls Alex Horn — each “school”-free day feels like a gift. You really ought to try this “de-evolution”!

But I understand that your exit would be far more complicated than mine.

Do you ever consider leaving, though? Who were you before “school”? What were your dreams? Do you remember? What led you into this group? Have you evolved into the “real man” you wished to become? Do you believe you owe “school” everything, up until your last breath? What keeps you entangled?

As I said, you were always kind to me. I hope you can free yourself before your epitaph — your legacy– is a life spent in service to a bizarre fallacy.

Yes, I’m angry — all the deception, all the manipulation, the parasite funnels ideals, hopes, energy, time, money and dreams into a cult-propagated delusion. I have heard it said … somewhere … never fear wrath at that which is odious. So I don’t. Send my regards to Bob; Sharon, too.

And remember freedom is a good thing.

GSR

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How to Heal From a Cult

Gettysburg_SunsetDbleWowI must admit it is fun eviscerating this “school of higher consciousness” (cough). But as cathartic as it is, I want to focus on recovery and try to veer away from snarky and cynical (a little). Specific things have helped me in the healing process; starting with admitting that my five-year tenure was in a cult, not an “esoteric mystery school”. Recently, my brother and I were discussing my “School” days and he said, “Dude, that is so weird.” I replied, “Do you think?”

On a more serious note, though, I couldn’t heal without recognizing “School” as simply another predatory cult, among the many. Everybody knows these groups feed on emotional insecurities; now I know how they take advantage of those seeking meaning, direction, purpose, acceptance, belonging, spiritual connection, community, etc. But when it comes to the search for identity, cults really sink in their teeth.

In the book Quiet Horizon, author Greg Jemsek offers a compassionate understanding of the fragile process of establishing identity and explores the idea of narcissistic wounding –  I will write more about it in a future post; for now, simply put, narcissistic wounding interrupts the establishment of identity, usually at a tender age. Those with faltering senses of identity are more vulnerable to outside influences. Those with stronger senses of identity need less external validation.

On looking back, I realized that “students” with stronger senses of self disappeared from the ranks. Some “students” pushed back on certain unpalatable demands — those who had maintained some ego strength. “School’s” pre-fab response was, “You are in self will” (horrors; I’ll write a self-will post in the future, too). “Self will” was a shaming device — the not-so-subtle subtext: you are selfish(again, horrors). Someone with solid identity might respond to that shaming with “so what” or “fuck you”. But those who aren’t so confident in themselves tend to take on the group’s caricaturization.

Cults foster insecurity, paranoia, fear and child-like dependence in the membership – those who obviously “need” guidance from “above” to “become the men/women they wish to be”. Essentially, cults cultivate (sorry, unintentional pun) addictions by flattening members into one-dimensional caricatures of themselves — wounded souls, seeking acceptance, willing to “do whatever it takes” to further the mysterious cause (mo’ students, mo’ money) and “evolve”.

I call this practice Cultic Identity Theft; I consider it psychological violence; it will also get a post in the future. I witnessed and experienced the cult’s soul-sucking techniques. My psyche felt pulled apart and parsed out — but that pain woke me up; I saw fear dictating my choices, abdicating responsibility to “teachers”. I realized I wanted to leave the group; my fear kept me bound to it. “School’s” benefits (cough) had disappeared; I was unemployed, depressed, exhausted and empty; yet, I was afraid of life without it. I remember realizing, “ It’s not like things are so great right now. If I fuck up my life on my own terms, at least it won’t cost $350 a month.”

Thus began my emancipation: a connection to, and trust in, my moral compass replaced the need to seek direction and mentoring; clarity of thought and feeling replaced confusion; self responsibility replaced dependency; self-acceptance replaced a futile need to please the upper echelons. I heard the Wizard of Oz telling Dorothy, the Cowardly Lion, the Tin Man and the Scarecrow, “You never needed me. You had what you needed all along.” I realized that my “classmates” and I didn’t need this group. The cult needed us — lifelong, dedicated, “tuition”-paying members.

BREAKING “SCHOOL RULES” shed light on my path to healing. Soon I’ll write a separate post for each of the following “rules” and expound on the benefits of breaking them:

 

    • Privacy, (cough, aka Secrecy): “Don’t tell anyone about this; it’s private, just for you”:The more I spoke/speak out, the more clarity replaced(s) confusion. The debilitating and exhausting cognitive dissonance plaguing my mind has dissipated. Breaking my silence broke an invisible isolation. I stopped protecting a con job. Refusing to carry this secret to my grave freed my mind and restored my sanity.

 

    • Your Time is “School’s” Time Now: “School” will claim that humans have a skewed relationship to time – Robert said, “If you tell me you don’t have time for this and that, I won’t believe you.”
      Once I left, I started protecting my time and practicing evil and sinful “Self-Love” (horrors): I stopped living as though every moment required a life or death decision; slept eight hours a night; exercised; played my guitar; took solitude and down time; reflected on my experience and wrote about it; gave my marriage, and my friendships, quality time– you know, normal self care (so selfish!).

 

    • NO Internet research! Robert loved to say, “You have all had your own experience of ‘School’. Don’t poison it!”
      Of course I read all the online criticism. It answered the onslaught of questions and addressed the quandaries that had plagued me over my 5-year tenure. I then read academic literature from cult experts: Steven Hassan, Margaret Singer, Robert J Lifton, Greg Jemsek, etc. I learned that the only difference between “School” and Scientology is that it is smaller and less successful — a bit more hidden, but not that hidden. Trust me, all cults are the same.

 

    • Non-fraternization: if you see each other outside the hallowed halls, float past without acknowledgement, forever:Breaking this rule required connecting and corresponding with “disgruntled ex-students” both past and present. Fellow apostates provided the context, connecting the dots that “School” works very hard to separate and keep “private”. Suddenly, I was no longer isolated and alone carrying this bizarre experience inside. The isolation damages you and protects the group. Breaking that isolation sets you free body, mind, heart and spirit.

 

  • If You Order Your Life, Rightly … “School” supersedes all “only life things”:
    A funny thing happened when I stopped keeping “school” secrets and started protecting my time, my energy, my thoughts, my feelings, my relationships, hopes, desires, artistic passions, need for solitude, and beliefs. My life began to work — all areas. Many, many unnecessary struggles fell away.So here’s to breaking ALL “School Rules” and gleaning the benefits of reclaiming your time, energy, thoughts, feelings etc. More on all of this in future posts.
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Dear “School”… oops, “The Study” … Monitor

Hi “The Study” Monitor: I hope that you are enjoying your assigned reading. Now you’ve been identified, I decided to say hello. We always got along well, so it’s too bad I’m now persona non grata, aka “disgruntled ex-student“, isn’t it? But all “school” defectors are, aren’t they? There’s no legitimate or forgivable way to depart “the invisible world” … and then to publish a blog … heresy, sedition, yes?

I hear that “School” now calls itself “The Study”. Why the name change? Does the online exposure interfere with recruitment? Is it bad for business? Does the vocabulary, this superficial spin, outweigh the nagging cognitive dissonance? Do you ever feel conflicted about “school”, oops, I mean: “the study”?

How do you feel about clever insincerity? Do you ever question “demands”? I remember the constant internal tug of war between “the study’s” requirements — growing deceit — and its presentation — “school of truth and higher consciousness”. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? I don’t miss it.

You were always kind to me. I am guessing that you are a well-intended soul caught in a web of delusion? Yep, “the study” sucked us all into that web. I wonder what you think and experience inside, as you read this blog?  Do you ever wish you were doing anything else besides reading this? What would you do instead? Do you ever blow off the demands? Or want to? Do you ever spontaneously go to the beach without consulting Bob, and then just say you read the evil blog?

Perhaps you’ll never see this missive. After I left, I learned that many “students” lie about their recruitment efforts, a.k.a third line of work. God knows, we all hated it.

What are you looking for here? Is your lawyer on retainer, waiting to file?

Recently, I remembered a conversation we had when you were co-leading the “work & money group”. I was failing at another “school”-sponsored job search; “The Study’s” employment policy  (as long as you are working, any job will do; women –of course– should clean houses) wasn’t bearing fruit. One day, when soliciting my housecleaning services (ha!) door-to-door in Lynnfield, a police cruiser pulled up to inform me that I needed a permit.

Discouraged, I called you — well, what I mean is I called the voice mail you kept for such purposes; you called me back on my phone. (cultic social engineering 101: the “more enlightened” must control ALL engagement! ) No matter, though, you called me back soon after. I told you about my police encounter and you said, “That’s ridiculous!”

Of course it was ridiculous; more ridiculous, though, was that I let a cult micromanage me into a constant, desperate, relentless and needlessly urgent search for any job! With “school’s” “help”, I tripped and bumbled into a pit of depression and a slew of low-paying menial work. The vicious circle of “school”-sponsored failure gnawed away from the inside out – the worse I felt inside, the worse I performed outside and the more menial and low-paying the jobs became.

Now I know that cults operate this way; this story was predictable — I ask for “help” and “failed”. I “wasn’t trying hard enough”. Many students echo this loaded language down the hallowed halls. Have you noticed? Eventually Carol pronounced: “Maybe you’ll never be able to hold down a job” and soon after established my “chief weakness” and cult identity to the “class”: entitled & unemployable Princess (read Jewish-American).

After leaving and deciding the “as long as you are working, any job will do” policy was crap; I found a job, I did it well, and then a second job and then a third job, etc. etc. etc — no more work/money problems. Are you happy for me, or does it disappoint you? “School’s”, oops, “The Study’s” “help” didn’t — in fact, it hurt. As my Grandma used to say: with (essence) friends like that, who needs enemies? (Don’t worry, she didn’t actually use the secret phrase, essence friends.)

Does “The Study” damage you? I think it damages everyone. One person benefits from “School”. Everyone else pays — they owe, they owe, so off to “school”, oops, “the study”, they go. The one-size-fits-all “help” flattens “students” into cult cogs; each will play particular roles. Those whom “school” deigns losers are damaged more quickly; but we leave and therefore have a chance to reclaim our lives.

So I’m grateful that “school” shoved me into the “losers” category. I left. As opposed to “dying in the street like a dog” — ala the mysteriously-never-mentioned-within-the-hallowed-halls Alex Horn — each “school”-free day feels like a gift. You really ought to try this “de-evolution”!

But I understand that your exit would be far more complicated than mine.

Do you ever consider leaving, though? Who were you before “school”? What were your dreams? Do you remember? What led you into this group? Have you evolved into the “real man” you wished to become? Do you believe you owe “school” everything, up until your last breath?  What keeps you entangled?

As I said, you were always kind to me. I hope you can free yourself before your epitaph — your legacy– is a life spent in service to a bizarre fallacy.

Yes, I’m angry — all the deception, all the manipulation, the parasite funnels ideals, hopes, energy, time, money and dreams into a cult-propagated delusion. I have heard it said … somewhere … never fear wrath at that which is odious. So I don’t. Send my regards to Bob; Sharon, too.

And remember freedom is a good thing.

GSR

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More resources …

Hi Everyone,

I’ve been neglecting cult confessions lately for a related project, but of course, I can’t get away for long. When it comes to cults there are endless topics to explore and I will be back to posting soon.

In the meantime, I wanted to point out a couple of things:

1) A lot of people were upset when the Esoteric Freedom blog disappeared. You will find some of the material from that blog, and more, on the following site: The Truth About Sharon Gans

2) If you’re a “student” who is presently “breaking the rules” because you’re wondering, questioning, whether this group you’ve joined is truly an “esoteric mystery school”, or a cult, you might recognize the people in a photo posted here: http://www.sharonganscult.com/

Thanks for reading and I’ll be back to posting soon!

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“School” Vignettes Circa 1980

Recently a former student, circa mid eighties, shared some anecdotes from his “school days”. These vignettes so beautifully illustrate “school’s” cultish ridiculousness … well, what can I say … read and laugh; read and see the true nature of this “evolved school of consciousness”. Read and consider whether his experiences ring true to you. For as Robert is so fond of saying, “you’ve all had your own experiences of ‘school.’”

The next 3 posts are a series of vignettes and conclusions from “Secret”  “School” Circa 1980:

The-Gang-That-Couldn’t-Shoot-Straight

… most of what I remember about school was its certain Gang-That-Couldn’t-Shoot-Straight atmosphere. From the fact that no one had explained the rules to me in the beginning and I ended up tripping my ass off for the first class with Sharon on to so many other things big and small.

At the time I was there the two older teacher/students under Bob were Geoff and Lou. I came to class one night and Geoff was livid at me: “Where’s Bob? You were supposed to pick up BOB!!!!” Well, that would have required someone telling me in advance that A) I needed to pick up Bob, and B) where Bob lived.

There was a time when the younger class was given an assignment that directly contradicted another assignment. The men did whatever-number-line-of-work by playing basketball every Sunday at 6AM at the Arlington Boys and Girls Club. The school basketball method was a certain Bob-Cousey-dribble-low-make-yourself-small fairly unorthodox and perhapsnotwickedsmart basketball style. I actually enjoyed these male/bondage mornings; but on one occasion the guys who used the gym after us asked if we wanted to play a game. Wez got creamed.

No drugs? Oops …
When I was first recruited my two sustainers(?) didn’t do the best job explaining the rules. In particular, they left out the no drugs part. And when I first began, there was also no rule that you had to be in school for a certain time before attending a class with Sharon or Alex (that later changed).

So during my first month, or so, we were to have a class with Sharon, and for that I took about a half a hit of LSD and walked to class from my house nearby. OK, maybe not the smartest idea, but it was my way of “preparing” to meet the woman whom Robert et all had been talking about in holier-than-thou terms.

Tripping does not good articulation make, so I said nothing until near the end of class when Robert asked me if there was anything I wanted to ask Sharon. I mumbled something about homosexuality (duh), and Sharon responded that male homosexuality “was really about having contempt for women.”

Why I didn’t immediately run a thousand miles from her and this group has been with me for some time. I knew this was false for me, in my life, having so many wonderful woman friends, my great mom, and sister, boss, etc… I saw Sharon then as a bull shitter and a false prophet, if you will … but I stuck around for too long.

When sexuality is deemed “chief weakness”…
I certainly came out to the wrong group. I was in a bad place at the time, new to town, “new” to be ready to announce my sexuality, very unsure of myself, afraid, and unfortunately full of a lot of self-doubt and low self-esteem. I, unfortunately for me, let it be known that I wasn’t happy to be gay.

… my curiosity about being involved in a group such as this, led by a charismatic leader, exploring the universe of thought, trumped any misgivings I had — sort of like being asked onto a spaceship and be away! when where you are, at the time, isn’t so great. My sustainer — of course — went and told all to Robert and the older students; so right off my sexuality became my tour-de-force, my “weakness?” —  although never spelled out that way. Besides singing on a bus, or whatever shocks we were instructed to take on at the time, Robert’s plan for me was a little experiment in which I was to rent a hotel room and hire a prostitute. Twice.

… off I went to the Long Wharf Marriott — let’s just say Experiment #1 didn’t “take”; utter embarrassing disaster. And when, a few nights later, Door Number Two opened, I was greeted with, “Hey … don’t I know you? Don’t you work at ______ restaurant owned by the guy who owns the place I work at?” Yikes.

The “Secret” East Somerville “School”

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Circa 1980s Conclusions/New Millennium Responses:

I love to compare and contrast conclusions with fellow former students. Most of the time, the stories and conclusions corroborate and ultimately, most agree that there’s no “evolution” spinning upward from the hallowed halls.  Occasionally, someone will challenge the perception of “school” as nefarious con job and most of the students with whom I’ve spoken consider all the shades of grey between “evolved and enlightened school” and high-demand deceptive cult. The following excerpts compare and contrast the 20th “school” conclusions with those of the new millennium:

20th Century: Most surprising to me is how “school” continues in one form or another for so long? I can’t, honestly, imagine any individual new to the school obeying a directive NOT to use the web to research and discover some of the truths revealed here and elsewhere, and still get sucked in. But I certainly had a dozen or more red flags from day one and continued on … so… not to judge.

New Millennium: I certainly followed the “do not search for ‘school’” on the Internet rule like a good little cog, even after I’d left for a time. It didn’t take very long for me to start filling in the missing pieces and seeing a more complete picture of “school” then the one presented by my “teachers”, and still I obeyed until I thought I would lose my mind from the weird isolated state in which I was living — re-experiencing scenarios from this secret world that had devoured so much of my life and realizing the demands, the “lines of work”, the claim of “being the source” … all lies. I think this speaks to the human need some of us have to be part of something meaningful. The more time, energy, and money invested, the more stronger the need to believe. Emotions trump critical thinking.

20th Century: … I realized pretty quickly after leaving, how programmed I had become, and how we all were victimized by a school structure which seemed to demand that to rise up (or be enlightened, awake, whatever), you had to step on someone else and push them down. So I think it quite positive and healing that — from what I’ve read so far — there is a realization that even those in the group who may have been higher ups, and complicit in running this school and sustaining it for so long, were also its victims and perhaps even more so.

New Millennium: most ex-students I’ve spoken with grapple with this question – do these “teachers” really believe they are evolving and “helping” their “students and the world? Most of them conclude that “teachers” and “older students” sincerely believe in the institution. Why else would all of these intelligent people allow the group to hijack their lives? When I say intelligent people, I mean ivy-league graduates and professors – “school’s” clientele is certainly part of its appeal.

I’ve concluded that intellect is a very different animal than emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is easily derailed when one lacks confidence, is feeling vulnerable, is seeking purpose, or guidance, or all of the above – that was certainly the case for me when I encountered “school”.

Most of the former students I’ve spoken with are simply grateful to be free from “school”, free to reclaim every aspect of their beings and most extend compassion for those still in “school”, often especially the “teachers” and inner circle, whose lives are so intricately linked to “school” (marriages, jobs, businesses, finances) that leaving becomes less and less viable.

20th Century: I don’t have any regrets regarding coming to “school”, as it absolutely was an experience that brought me some quick growth. Then it started to rot and got quite weird as more and more the reality of what was going on at the top and core became revealed. … I have long since given up trying to explain to family or friends that yes, I was in a cult. So just as school had instructed not to “leak”, that trying to explain school ideas to others was counterproductive and … well just not too possible, I’ve kept these experiences to myself all these years.

New Millennium: I also don’t regret my “school” days, although, I wished I’d uncovered the rot in two years, rather than five. Of course, I believe two years is “school’s” new millennium prescribed honeymoon period. Ironically, finding and leaving “school” is exactly what I needed to uncover my raison d’être.

As far as telling others, I find I am very blessed. My family, my friends, even my co-workers and boss have been very supportive. But I do find that — in general — most people scatter at the subject of cults. That’s why I feel so compelled to share, to educate, and to help others heal and speak out. As a society, this blight needs to be shared. As a civilization, we need to understand the emotional needs and social constructs that enable destructive groups to exist. It’s really the only way to combat the phenomenon.

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A New Resource: sharonganscult.com

This site has come to my attention lately — http://www.sharonganscult.com/

It changes often, but today’s iteration encourages current “students” to leave the ranks. It provides an email address for those who want to reach out and addresses the following “school”-bound fears and obstacles:

1) Losing friends

2) Losing marriage or relationship with another “student”

3) Working for a “school”-based business

4) Losing “the work”

It suggests taking a 3-week experimental hiatus from all things “school”.

When I think back, the only thing that kept me from taking a break was my belief in the institution and the control I gave it — I felt like I had to ask permission. I knew the answer would be no. I bought into some idea about “not letting the work go cold for more than 48 hours”, or something like that. I felt “school” lording over me, as if monitoring me from above, documenting all of my sinful and “coarse” thoughts and feelings. I am amazed at the amount of control I gave this thing over my time and life.

Yep. If you’re thinking about a break, take it. I believe you will soon discover that “school” isn’t God, can’t control your life and you might even get some perspective on the experience and start to feel the freedom that comes when not participating in its bi-weekly indoctrination rituals.

It’s a sweet freedom. It’s your life. I encourage you to reclaim it.

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Happy Thanksgiving – Gratitude List

You always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself.

This is my fourth “school”-free holiday season and I find I have much for which to be grateful. Many of these things came directly from my evolutionary tenure. Every “school”-free day contrasts sharply with my “school”-dictated life, highlighting what leaving the hallowed halls brought to me:

1) A well-honed bullshit detector – while, I have never regretted leaving the institution, I also don’t regret the experience. I do wish that I’d listened to my rebels sooner — five years and roughly $20,000 is way more than I wanted to invest in this con game. However, allowing “school” to yank me around for a time did prove valuable. It reminded me of that childhood lesson from the The Wizard of Oz: everything I need, everything you need, exists within me, and within you, already. The wizards who tell you otherwise, offering pat and overly simplified advice, alleged informed by convenient interpretations of certain esoteric ideas is, at best, deluded and at worst, sociopathic.

2) A trusted connection to my inner moral compass and path — Every “school”-free day bears gifts in ways to embrace this connection. Every moment, good, bad, challenging, boring, heartening, frustrating, inspiring — whatever comes — offers me the opportunity to honor what feels right to me and leave behind what doesn’t. I’m free from the cognitive dissonance that wrestled with my inner sense when it didn’t line up with the outer party line. I own my time and life, for better or worse: I spend my days with those I love and doing what I want. I am free to share whatever I experience, feel and think with whomever I’d like. This freedom constantly reminds me that every breath is a gift. It is my responsibility to use my remaining breathes wisely, instead of giving them away. And, by the way, I have a lot more energy.

3) An unencumbered holiday season — The holidays are no longer strained with the unnecessary “school”-sponsored usurpation, otherwise known as The Christmas Party. All accompanying marital stress fell away. My friends and family no longer wonder why I am so unavailable and what could possibly be keeping me busily scrambling around. In fact, now that they all know about the illustrious group and its infamous Christmas party, we’ve had a lot of laughs, and lemme just tell you, keeping secrets takes a lot of energy.

4) A reconnection to my inner creative voice — at some point I will research and write more extensively about the cult-usurpation-of-your-creative-energy phenomenon. For now I will simply say that in 2006, when I joined an “informal discussion group”, I hoped that the it would strengthen and affirm my creative dreams. Five years later, I felt severed from those dreams — songwriting, prose writing, even simple morning pages, ala The Artist’s Way, all felt impossible. The flow of ideas and music that had been with me since childhood shut down. Before my tenure — however insecure and lost I felt — those ideas outlined my dreams and woke me up in the morning. They provided a sense of purpose, and I honored them, despite uncertainty about how to shape and define that purpose. Once I left the cult and started writing my story, I reconnected to that creative voice. Recently songs again began outlining my dreams and waking me in the morning. Welcome back!

5) A clarity of purpose – In leaving the cult, I freed my time. In freeing my time, I freed my mind. In freeing my mind, my voice came forth to tell this ridiculous tale. In putting out this blog, I released my psyche from “school’s” cancerous secrecy. This is my experience of freedom of mind. Secrets cloud and shroud. Clarity arrived when I stopped carrying them around. I believe the purpose of artistic creativity — in whatever modality — is connecting to this authentic voice and empowerment through the expression of your truth. I believe this because I found all the healing I needed within the creative process.

6) My marriage — When I left the cult, I suddenly found myself home more, sharing time with my husband. I suddenly found more energy, physical, emotional, cognitive and psychological to give to him. When I stopped protecting the “highly-evolved esoteric institution”, I suddenly had more to share with him. I left “school” because I knew my marriage would end if I didn’t. But I didn’t realize the damage inflicted until I confessed the inner workings and heard him him talk about his experience of “school’s” highly evolved “help”, as it increasingly dismissed him and our marriage as “only a life thing”. I’m thankful that instead of tearing us apart, we’ve used “school’s” education to strengthen our commitment.

7) Real friendships with real people – One of “school’s” most insidious aspects is the isolation. If you “follow school rules” to the letter, you find yourself in an invisible prison; it eats up more and more of your “only life”. If you leave, you are stonewalled. Additionally you are to pretend like it didn’t happen — “don’t leak”. If you run into a fellow disgruntled at Trader Joe’s both of you are to ignore each other. How crazy making. If you break “school” rules, you find that relationships, friendships, have their own organic rhythm. There is nothing evolved about a group that micromanages and engineers “essence friendships”. I have learned so much about the strength and character of my fellow disgruntled(s) by breaking the “non-fraternization rule.” They no longer embody the flat one-dimensional “school” perpetuated cult identity of the group.

On that note, I will end by offering the hope that your “school”-free existence has benefited you, as mine has benefited me. Because when you find your feet walking a path, directed by your internal compass, to your true north, as Dorothy says, there’s no place like home.

Happy Thanksgiving and here’s to a “school”-free holiday season! Cheers!